Sunday, April 27, 2008

T Shirt Heck

T-shirts have always been a way to express your love of a band, movie, or wrestling superstar. But the amount of crap I see on tshirts nowdays makes me ill, the internet is a haven of horribly bad tshirt designs that will forever marinate in the essence of an unwashed man at the back of a wardrobe until they're given to goodwill, I guarantee you'll see homeless people with Transformers shirts as pillows in the near future.

Two sites which annoy the hell out of me are Busted Tees and Snorg Tees, their ads plague the websites I frequent with their flagship models, Busted's Erica, and Snorg's Alice. These two girls appeal to the main demographics for their shirt sales, Stoners and Fratboys. And no I'm not linking to those sites. Google them if you're so inclined to have your head inserted into your anus.

Erica Sullivan is an attractive woman who looks like she hasn't had anything to eat or anywhere to sleep in the last 4 days, her eyes pierce into the distance, like she's trying to focus on a hotdog stand because she has the munchies but can't garner the strength to do so, and the majority of her photos are up against alley walls and fences, key gathering spots for stoned men looking for doritos. They also seem to enjoy photographing nipples, and the more pointy the better, because I know nothing sells me more than sex! Who cares if the shirt is about Halo, the woman is hot! I better buy it! Needless to say my nipples look horrid in those shirts compared to hers... like cocktail frankfurts that have been in the sun for a day.

Alice Fraasa on the other hand, is the model aimed at the fratboys, with her all American looks and mouth the size of texas full of shiny white teeth not unlike Julia Roberts.

She has a playful attitude and a chest size to match. Being only 19 is also a plus for the fratboys, as she is only a few years older than the women they're used to dating. And when I say "dating" I mean.. well you get the picture, lets just say it involves "drug induced relaxation" pills. However, in all fairness, the fine young ladies they exploit for sell shirts are way better than the male models they use....

Now apart from the models for these websites being cheap eyecandy for the lads, their shirts are just atrocious. If you've heard something funny in a TV show or a movie and it was funny enough to repeat it once or twice to a friend, then it's on one of their shirts. They also have a backlog of anything Will Ferrell has said in any of his movies ever, I bet you could buy $1000 worth of shirts of these people, throw them in a big tub, swish them around and then write down what each shirts says in order of you pulling them out, you'd have a sure fire comedy hit starring Will Ferrell as an obnoxious twat.

If you're going to buy a shirt online, at least buy a funny one, Tshirthell is a great site that is probably not safe for work in the slightest due to their "photograph yourself in our shirts" section, but their shirts are crude, rude, and above all.. ORIGINAL. Instead of crap you heard on Anchorman these shirts are actually good.

Monday, April 7, 2008

Angryman rundown, 8/4/2007

Various angryman rants today, I'm quite happy with my life situation, my marriage my job and my everything else are all on point. So when I'm nice and comfortable I look upon others for the angryman fuel. Whilst I have no large article to go off on tangents about I've decided that when I feel the urge to rant I can just simply read the headlines for all the ammunition I need.

Kate Moss was awarded some dubious "best dressed" award sometime in the last week, It's good to see people like that get noted for their fashion as opposed to their drug and boyfriend problems, because as a celebrity in the spotlight and a role model for girls everywhere we have to understand the pressure she is under and let her shoot up a sneaky fix every once in a while. I'm sure the dress she wore to win that empty title was little more than a tissue covered in glitter.

At the end of that article I found a link to a car death story which I dared look into because I enjoy such stories of death and destruction (my multitude of law and order box set DVD's are proof I enjoy crime and accidents)

In Victoria a teenage boy has been killed in a road accident, taken from ninemsn:

"The boy, 16, of Kealba, lost control of the car and struck a power pole on Main Road East in nearby St Albans shortly after 3pm (AEST) on Monday, police said.

He died at the scene. Police believe he was driving alone at the time of the crash."

A 16 yr old learner driver, probably speeding, loses control of his car and dies. Call me a heartless bastard, but they have road rules for a reason you know, I'm not saying he deserved it, but there's a reason for the year long LEARNER period. Unless he was rushing to the hospital with a spear in his chest or a pregnant woman (speared or unspeared) in his back seat, there is no reason that boy couldn't have just caught the bus. No doubt this will lead to people angry at the government for "unsafe roads" as opposed to focusing on the fact that a boy so young broke the law and paid the ultimate price.

Another example of children breaking the rules and paying gravely is the story I heard on the radio this morning, apparently 5 teenagers aged 14-16 went to school with baseball bats, machetes and a sword to "settle a vendetta" with another teenager. 18 students and 1 teacher suffered minor injuries and the lads are now locked up without bail until their hearing.

Way to plan an attack, go to the single most populated area on a weekday to attack 1 person and end up only giving minor injuries 19 in total. You had swords!!! Why isn't there a bodycount?! Obviously their heart wasn't in it and now they face 101 charges of assault and various other offenses.

Honestly, if you're going to attack someone with a sword, do it in a private location where there isn't a couple hundred witnesses... I don't know why kids choose to launch an attack on a school, don't they hear the news? Every kid who makes a large scale assault on a school winds up dead or in jail. But don't worry about that Billy, you're different, you're going to make them all pay for calling you a smellypants. Because the opinions of people you'll hardly ever see after graduation matter the most in the entire world and if Suzie won't go out with you then she has to pay for it.

Do yourself a favour kids, if some kid calls you a farty face then chances are they're not worth having as a friend, and if Tiffany rejects you move on. You're not limited to your high school classmates, there's a massive world out there full of women and men you haven't met yet. But if you're a moron, go ahead and bring a machete to school, you belong in jail.

I kind of went off on a "bitter old man dishing out advice to young'ns" tangent just then, so I'll stop that and leave you with one little piece of angryranting.

I came across this ad whilst I was reading about the stupid little boys and their swords. Advertising the dating world with some sort of tanned gorgeous woman with a friendly smile and little clothing.

I've spent a chunk of time on those dating websites back in my single days of eating cheetos and playing Neverwinter Nights. And I'm afraid to tell you, that such women do not exist on the web. When you spot an attractive profile there can only be few reasons to why it's there:

- That's not her photo
- It's a man
- She's part of that ridiculous "net intercourse" scene where attractive people meet up online to organise romps, stealing the thunder from geeky boys worldwide. Because nothing is more exciting to tell to your high-fiving chums than about that "hot chick I met on the interweb". Send a wink to her if you like, she won't reply.

If you want an accurate image of 95% of dating website female users, here's your dream woman Bruce.

Roll for initiative.