Rent-A-Fail

During one of my recent spelunking trips into the depths of the internet, I came across a website for a midwest American costume shop.

Normal costume shops usually stick to stock photos of their merchandise, since they're trying to sell them to you, it makes perfect sense to show you how awesome the costume looks on an attractive person.

But no.

This website decided to forgo all that and show you exactly how they look on people as average as the day is long.

Here are some select costumes.

Sultan freckles

Moronicus, high legionary of basement bargins

Their name: "Arabian Shiek"

My name: "Lesbian Minister"

"Babe Ruth", one size fits several.

Trashbag warrior

The Dork Knight

I used to dream about this bear, every night, I'd wake up screaming.

Masturbating subway pervert

Okay now they're getting on the right track...

... oh wait... never mind.

Oh god here she is again, as a shoeless pimp.

They have 1 black male photo in the entire site. "Pimp 2". He doesn't even qualify as head pimp.

This woman keeps showing up, It's not making me want to purchase their wares..

"Pimping Ho", pants extra. Dignity invalid.

"Rapist"

Everyone's favourite costume. "Oversized black rental suit"

Fucking hell, this woman must own the place. "Shoeless pyjama gangster"

"Failed dance recital where your dad said he would come but didn't because he was too busy fucking his secretary"

"Diaper Bunny"

"El fuego homosexuales"

Captain Pork Stuffing sails the gravy seas.

"Caveman", this costume costs 35 DOLLARS A NIGHT TO RENT

I'd hit it, but only if she put the mask back on.

I would wreck that chick. Pigpen styles.

Looks like the meth junkies broke into the school again.

The best Robin Williams costume I've ever seen.

When I close my eyes, this is the only thing I see.

The costume isn't much, but that rubber puppet is amazing.

"Colonial Rapist"

"Colonial Rapee"

"The Calculus Cowboy"

"Old woman looking confused"

GOD DAMMIT SHE JUST WON'T STOP

"Semi-Galactic Hobo"

"Impending Lawsuit"

"Dickhead"

"Faces of Meth, part 3"

"Princess FiOH MY GOD ITS THAT FUCKING WOMAN AGAIN"

"Dementia"

Admiral Butthead

THIS, THIS IS THE TYPE OF PHOTO THEY SHOULD USE!

More of this please.

But no, instead of stock model photographs like a normal costume store, we're stuck with "Gut sucking Genie"

"Misshapen cock indian"

"Man in bath robe" 25 dollars.

You remember that scene in Silence of the Lambs? When Jodie Foster finds polaroids in a jewellry box of the larger woman undressing?

The last thing you see before you die.

HoHO!!! More of this!!!!!

... god dammit...

OH FUCK OFF!!!!!

"Neckless Manga Dwarf"

This costume sure looks great, but when you need to take a shit you'll wish you paid the extra 5 dollars to cover cleaning.

Scary as fuck Daniel Day Lewis rubber mask.

Spodermen

This.... actually isn't bad. I could enjoy a holodeck fantasy or two with this one.

And relive some holodeck nightmares with him..

Big Bird got hooked on painkillers after he forced Oscar into that trash compactor.

Oh I get it, the plug is his penis..... Brilliant.

How to steal like an artist.

I read this article, and enjoyed it. So I'm passing it on to you, the viewer. (Click this link)

Faces of Gosford

My recent acquisition of an iPod has brought in a new level of train fun, now I can take photographic evidence of the creatures I come across on the Central Coast in case the naysayers out there think I'm making it all up.

So here are two recent individuals I have come across in the last week on the train.

Guts McGee:

This charming man got off the train and proceeded to air out his midsection whilst having a smoke. It wasn't even a hot day. Some pigeons came over to see what the fuss was about and he lost his shit at them, flailing his arms and stomach around in an effort to scare away the wildlife.

Sleepy Sally:

The train pulled into Tuggerah station when this woman got on with a friend. The friend opened the door between the carriages and started to smoke while this one leant against the window and proceeded to fall asleep in a bent standing position.

She managed to keep this position up for 15 minutes, then staggered out at the next stop.

Number one with a bullet

Today's train story is brought to you by Gosford station... just like every other damn train story I've ever written.

Typical afternoon trip from work to Gosford, we catch the relatively new trains, so everything is clean and the train noises are minimal. So as a common courtesy the commuters usually keep to themselves. This means that when someone raises their voice, or drops something, the entire carriage will look up at the person. As was the case this afternoon.

An older gentleman got on the train at Hornsby, with several bags and looking rather scruffy, it was clear he stopped caring about his looks many years ago. He sat towards the front of the carriage near me, so if I turned to the right I could see him and the 5 other people he sat with.

For 15 minutes he was just like every other passenger, he was quiet, kept to himself, and waited out the trip. Then he decided to talk.

To himself.

It started with some mumbling, but the mumbling quickly became louder and then he started to introduce hand movements. When he asked the girl next to him if he could.... smell her farts... people started to relocate. And I had trouble containing my laughter, he then boasted he was “pretty good at farts” and started scratching his groin with his hands down his pants. At least one would hope he was scratching, and not fondling.

He then thought it would be a good idea to start shaving his face, so he took out a razor and went for it, then he started flicking the razor around and throwing it in the air. So the rest of the people in that section moved, and a few in the section behind.

My breaking point lasted a bit longer. I didn't really mind his language, nor his grooming practices, but when he lifted his shirt up and started shaving his stomach, I made the decision that I had seen enough and moved down the stairs.

So what does he do? He fucking follows me now doesn't he?

Standing near the train doors he wanders to the left and right to look down or up the stairs at the other commuters, grinning like a madman and “scratching” himself, luckily he put the razor away, and replaced it with a medium sized radio. Which he turned on and started play AC/DC's “Back in Black”, he then put his radio on his shoulder like it was a boom-box and started strutting.

The guy must have been 80.

Strutting.

To AC/DC.

After shaving his stomach.

And asking to smell female farts.....

and cityrail thinks I'm the dangerous one....

It boggles my mind.