Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Wolverine, Shitty Covers of

As it turns out my Superman article got a fair amount of attention from the twitterverse, and by a "fair amount" I mean more than the 2 people who usually read my blog.

So I've decided to step it up a notch and bring out another entry quick smart before everyone gets bored with my antics.

COMIC CHARACTERS WHO SUCK (for reasons out of their control)

#2 Wolverine



PART ONE: Dodgy Covers

Although I haven't finished my actual article yet, I have more than enough dodgy covers from the first 100 Wolverine issues to make a separate entry, so enjoy the covers and my inane banter!


The Fantasy Island crossover didn't last very long, I blame Marvel's casting choice of The Hulk as Hervé Villechaize.



Silly Logan, that's not how you drive a car! Here we see Wolverine sporting a trendy "no shirt brown pants" look, usually preferred by crack junkies. Shoe(s) optional.

DEATH is a man called tiger shark!
Artist: "This cover is due today and I haven't finished!! Fuck it, I'll just draw hundreds of bubbles, oh I'm so crafty"

a taste of DEATH
The look on Wolverine's face is confusing, it appears that he was in a middle of a disco dance-off when the opposing dancers had more than enough of his groove shaking.

Lady DEATHstrike.. and the amazing puck?

puck??? What the crap sort of name is that??

Did Rob Liefeld draw this cover? I bet he did, tiny feet and massive hands on lady deathstrike tell me the baseball cap wearing manchild is to blame.

In an inferno of DEATH!!!

How freaked out does the child look? Is Wolverine saving her or about to rape her? Way to calm down the nerves of a panicky child there douchebag. Look at him!! He's nearly green and frothing at the mouth, he's going to send the child into a heart attack.

Note Storm in the background, the woman can control the weather, she can send rain down to put out the fire. Instead she just floats there, grimacing.

A promise.... of DEATH!!!!

Wolverine, also known as "Satan" in this issue, rises from the depths of hell to crash a disco party right in the middle of The Hustle.

Is the man in the top right humping his claws?

DEATH in Venice!

Wolverine has had quite enough of his shit and chokes himself. Apparently the Wolverine being choked just drank a glass of milk, and the other Wolverine desperately needs some new clothes.

As cold............................... as DEATH!!!!!

Okay, so what's the deal? Can Logan shoot out one set of claws at a time? I thought they were rage-related and he really had no control over them, instead they went in when he calmed down... so how does that explain one claw at a time? Is he bipolar?

I checked Wikipedia for an explanation, of course there wasn't one, instead in his list of "special powers" under Adamantium claws is 'Expert Martial Artist'

Expert Martial Artist? Seriously? Is there a single superhero around who DOESN'T know how to fight? Once you get your powers suddenly you're a kung fu champion. I want to see a Superhero with super strength but can't throw a punch for shit, and breaks his thumb because he doesn't know how to form a proper fist.

Also Wolverine seems oblivious his left leg is about to be chomped by a .. what the fuck is that anyway? And what's he doing underwater fighting it? Surely there are superheros better equipped to tackle underwater beasts.

"Fuck it, I'm wolverine, I don't need to breathe grrr I'm so menacing"

I hope all my reunions with old friends go just as well as this.

Another cover with Wolverine only using one set of claws, and in this case only 2 of the 3 claws are out. Personally I think the claws stay in when it's easier to draw for the cover artist. He's got his work set out for him, just check out that awesome background. White sky and yellow ground.

Is that woman holding a gun or a briefcase?


Why does Logan need a set of claws out now? Does he plan on giving Jean Grey a haircut?

I love his facepalm, it's like the Xmen told him he's out of the club because his outfit has too much blue and yellow in it.

Professor X: "dude you look gay"

Wolverine: "I am shamed, please note my penis bulge for some reason"

I'm not kidding, he's got half a chub.

Valley O' DEATH!!!!!

Is he in England? "let us have a cup o tea then potter off to the valley o death"

"what what tally ho pip pip!"

The inker must have given himself a black ink enema and farted on the cover, that's the only explanation I have for the splatter effect.

Wolverine: "I am big with tiny feet"

woman: "I too am also big and will jump this way"

Wolverine: "I think I see a young child to my left, I best look menacing and do a knee bending jig"

woman: "I am angry, you can tell, as my mouth is open"

wolverine: "I look angry on 98% of my covers, the fact of the matter is I actually suffer from lockjaw, I got tetanus from my own skeleton"

Juggernaut couldn't be bigger if he tried, his tailoring bill must be a fortune, he'd have to buy a metric tonne of metal for his helmet and armbands. Wolverine looks like he's about to scratch his butt but can't as he has deployed his claws. He won't make that mistake again!

"SWEET JESUS MY ANUS IS ON FIRE"

Logan is a hit with the young kiddies... I'm a grown man and I feel scared he's going to rape me in his van.

What is it with Wolverine and children? He can take on the strongest villains in the world, but he chooses to intimidate a bunch of kids, whilst smoking a cigarette.

The only thing uncanny about this cover is Logan's belt buckle, nearly as big as his face.

DEATH 'neath New Orleans!!!!

Will his claws even hurt Ghost Rider? His head is entirely bone, no nerves or anything, he wouldn't feel any pain and the claws would be jammed in a nostril.

The last cover of them all, a Rob Liefeld classic!! Shatterstar is the most horribly dated character ever, with his shit "ponytail AND rat tail" combination haircut, pixie shoes and helmet.

And his swords are fucking retarded, the right hand one is a typical sword a 12yr old will draw, and the left hand one looks like a Lego pirate sword.

Deadpools swords are also shit, basic hilted swords.

The sad thing is you could sketch a toilet under the squatting Shatterstar and it wouldn't make this image worse.



Alrighty, that's it for me!! Stay tuned for my full Wolverine article coming soon!

7 comments:

Ruroremy said...

I think this proves my theory that the only difference between amateur and professional artists is that amateurs go "this is shit" and throw it away while professionals sell it to their fans.

Evan said...

I lol'd hard

ozatheist said...

Freakin Hilarious comments, keep these coming.

Wolf Gnards said...

I forgot about Wolverine with an eyepatch. I guess they thought what's tougher than a guy with claws coming out of his hands, is a guy with claws coming out of his hands and an eyepatch.

Tom said...

Yeah it's hard to explain "mutant healing" when one of his eyes doesn't work.

Then again, it could have been for decoration, saving the world in style without proper depth perception.

Sam said...

That is one of the funniest things I have witnessed in a very long time.

Kudos :D

Anonymous said...

hilariously, the eyepatch was his 'disguise' after the x-men faked their own deaths. Despite having giant metal claws and a very distinctive haircut, plus an espionage background; wearing an eyepatch and calling himself 'Patch' was apparently the best he could come up with.

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