Friday, January 15, 2010

Vampire turds that glisten in the sun

Social Networking, it's a buzzword thrown around by a lot of websites in the last few years, the phrase means "connecting and communicating with others over the internets" and websites like MySpace and Facebook are the hubs people use to connect socially with others. although in reality the majority of people on the internet will limit their social networking to adding that cute girl/boy from high school as a friend then downloading all of their personal photos to use as a masturbatory aide.

MySpace and Facebook are the big generic two, but there are also plenty of websites that cater to a more specific audience, there are social networking sites for gamers, bloggers, homosexuals, christians, christian homosexuals, hairy men, lonely men who want asian girlfriends, and of course there is VampireFreaks.

VampireFreaks, according to Wikipedia, is an online community for the gothic/industrial subculture. But realistically VampireFreaks is the home of people who rebelled

against their parents in high school and forgot to grow the fuck up in later life. The males all list their hero as "The Crow", and the females would probably get their vagina on webcam if you sent them a single compliment about their hair. It's a hovel of stench, a tribute to failure. Every single member probably thinks they're a unique delicate flower but listen to all the same heavy metal industrial shit as the next member.

So in true FiveThumbsDown fashion, it's caption time!

Here's your base level generic VampireFreaks member. Pasty and pudgy with long hair, throwing the horns because they can't grasp the intricities of common decency. This person's account lists their gender as "N/A", and I'd have to agree with it.

DO: Take a photo for your VampireFreaks profile
DONT: Take a photo of your sex face for your VampireFreaks profile

Goth gangsta will fuck you up boooooiiiiiiiiiiiii

People who are not original

Ninja Turtles
I see a conflict of interest here....

Check out this one... it's..... pretty nice actually. Let's check out her profile.

"21 yr old married mother of two"

Ah, nevermind, tainted meat.

This is the type of photo they show on the news with soundbytes from neighbours saying "I had no idea, he mostly kept to himself"

I don't know if this is supposed to be a photo of a girl, or evidence of bigfoot.

"I cast a level 6 wizard charm on your labia, it wasn't very effective...."

"Tee Hee, I'm such a vampire FREAAAAK!!!! Edward <3<3<3<3<3>

Another swamp monster sighting, why do people think boosting the contrast is going to make a good photo?

Middle American High School Female VampireFreak #4586779581235, Her parents don't understand her, her boyfriend doesn't love her, and she cuts herself while listening to The Cure. She'll drop out before the end of high school, pregnant to "Steve", her 29yr old ex boyfriend who is a major player over at 7-11.

Profile quote: "I like goth"
*crickets chirping*

"Hey ladiesssss, I'm a rippling mess of sinew and bad hair, I love the Crow so fucking much because he and I are the same, I'm a dark avenger in the night flexing my buttocks in the face of sailors."

Using strategic lighting and photoshop airbrushing his body says "roids" and his face says "pnuenomia".

"Me am Samet, are like lady vampire"

Sweet jesus, looks like she fell face first into Nickelodeon.

The Musical VampireFreak
They'll list four hundred bands as "close influences" and every single name will adhere to one of these rules:
- Have one or more of the words "hate/death/blood/kill/hell/cuddles"
- Be an obscure reference to a B Grade horror movies or a song by another band
- Have a name so abstract and wanky nobody bothers to understand the meaning

The musical VampireFreak will be one of the most saught after in the social networking circles, because as soon as you mention you can do anything music related, people will throw their genitals at you.

This member in particular has it all, the "geek chic" glasses, the indoor hoodie, and the backpack of mystery. This member is also particulary efficient as to get the maximum musical effect by posing with a bass guitar, unfortunately judging by the price tags in the background showing us that they're posing with a store owned guitar, this person probably has little to no musical talent. That'd be like myself posing in front of a movie theatre and listing my profession as "Matt Damon".

Nice look dude, you should have used some ofthat white paint on your teeth.


Thursday, January 7, 2010

Boganrail, an Australian Institution

The first week back at work after a break is always the longest. And to make matters worse the Cityrail free newspaper MX (url) is currently not being printed. My one salvation from boredom for half of my trip has been cut off. So I've been forced to find other ways to amuse myself.

This week I've been experimenting with the various trains that go my direction home, finding out which is the quickest, which is the most comfortable, and which is the least crowded. I caught one of the newer trains to Gosford this afternoon. Hardly anyone in there so I had plenty of room to stretch my legs. But on the downside I had to wait at Gosford for half an hour.

Now Gosford really isn't that bad of an area. It's th
e locals themselves that ruin it for you, and of course the majority of the locals are advocates of public transport by default. So I always run into the most colourful of characters, today was no exception.

To pass my 30 minutes away and fend off the guilt of downing an entire packet of chips in record time, I began walking up and down the platform, a good 100-200 metres. On my second loop I walked past a girl I paid no real attention to, she was a normal looking female around 16yrs old, Elmo shirt, dyed hair, and a scooter. Typical teenager in all senses of the word, or so I thought anyway.

When I was walking back from my second loop the girl was sitting at the far end looking directly across to the platform on the other side of the tracks. There were some youths sitting there, smoking and carrying on like adults, I paid no mind to them either, as I'm well past the stage where the site of a swearing smoking tween shocks me. And after all, this IS the Central Coast we're talking about here.

The girl and the kids were exchanging dialog, but from where I was walking I couldn't hear it. I assumed they were friends and started on my 3rd loop, walking faster this time, well aware that most of the other people on the platform were staring at me. I don't know why but apparently the sight of a fella walking is fucking interesting to them.

On my loop return the girl had since moved and was walking towards my direction. She seemed reasonably angry, and it was confirmed when she muttered to herself as I passed her.

"Fucken cunt skags, I'm gonna slash some fucken throats"

Now this did come as a shock to me, call me uppity but if children decided to throw insults at me from across a train line I'd either ignore them or smile and nod my head. But this girl decided that this was the point in their life that they were destined to die, and proceeded to make five phone calls to various people.

I stopped walking and stood around a corner, so I could listen without staring, and I'm glad I did.

Each phone conversation went along the lines of this:

"Yeah , what are ya doin? I need you to come here and beat up som fucken kids for me, I can't do it coz they're fucken too young but if you beat em I'll slash em ay? Fuckin cunt whores calling me a boy i'll fucken show em yeah. There three of the fuckers, fucking skinny cunts."

Around the time of the 4th phone call, the all-stops train from Sydney arrived and even more representatives of the Central Coast piled out, including three women in their mid-30's with more children than teeth.

As the women walked past, the original girl on the phone had just reached her "three skanky cunts" line, and all three of the women turned around and proceeded to pick a fight with the teenager.

"What'd you fucken call me? You red haired tranny, tranny cunt fuck"

The platform at the time was crowded with people getting on and off trains, and admist it all was the battle of the slums 2010. No fists were thrown, just a lot of slander and abuse.

Eventually the women left and the girl had moved on to the next platform to deal with her aggressors. I'm sure she has a bright future ahead of her as a "whore slasher" and I wish her well.