Monday, June 30, 2008

Blow up the forums and drag them away.

There will always be people who will never "get you", and you'll be forever explaining your actions and intentions to them where people who do "get you" will understand what you did, and why you did it in an instant.

It became apparent that alot of people I used to consider friends no longer understand me and were, for lack of a better word, offended by my actions. When no offense was intended at all, I had the utmost respect for a few of them, and that respect quickly faded on the battleground that is a webforum.

Web forums, although they offer as a communications hub for like minded individuals, almost always end up as scenes of intense drama and name calling.

One thing I've learnt about web forums is, you have to have a very generic sense of humour to be considered funny or entertaining on these forums, and I'm sure alot of people will agree with me, that any attempts at non-generic comedy will make at least one person angry due to misinterpretation. It also leads to every single one of the threads you make having an average of 2 posts in them, and that in turn leads to frustration.

Unless it's a thread about Grand Theft Auto 4, or a Youtube thread, chances are it won't be touched or it'll stem into a completely different topic entirely. Your uncommon opinions will fall on deaf ears in favour of posts full of emoticons and no real content at all.

That's why I've ceased any contribution I made to a webforum I have been a member on for at least 5 years. I hit a breaking point over the last few weeks, my jokes were seen as direct abuse towards other members, and although they weren't "offended", they were moved enough to take up a defensive stance with multiple paragraph responses.

I won't go into details, there really is no point. And I'm sure I'll forever serve as the assclown who had a cry and left, but I can live with that. Because to stay there I'd be letting myself down.

The people who do understand me will understand this entry completely and will be able to relate, those of you who don't understand me have probably just opened this page to see if I've said anything about them. I was going to, but it'll just be more fodder.

Let's just say a few of them dissapointed me, and I regarded them so highly beforehand. I wish them all well in their endeavours and the few that do still want to talk to me know how to find me.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Splinters in my heart

After an undisclosed period of time, I stepped foot inside a public library again not long ago and fell in love with the joy that is reading. The ink on the pages, the smell of the bindings... they're enough to bring a man to climax. But enough "books are fun" bollocks, lets move on to something where I'm not taking the piss.

I've read quite a few books since I joined the fantastic community that is the library, but one book begged for a review above all others.

Tom Clancy presents Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell, created by Tom Clancy.... TOM CLANCY

Written by someone who isn't Tom Clancy, Splinter Cell is the book about the video game character created by Tom Clancy in a video game series created by Tom Clancy that is owned by Tom Clancy.


Tom is known for being great at writing Americans vs terroists/communists stories, the majority of them follow the same line (Terrorists Steal Nukes or kidnap someone of importance) but he writes them so well and with lots of action that we can forgive him. I don't understand the reasoning for this unknown man to write a Splinter Cell book, you'd think if the big Tom himself won't bother writing it then you're not going to wow anyone by picking up Clancy's trash.

I love the majority of the Splinter Cell games, the latest one however did leave a bad taste in my mouth by having a boss battle right at the end, but all in all they beat the pants off Metal Gear Solid's brooding anime protagonist. And when I saw the Splinter Cell novel I thought at least it would be as entertaining as the games.

It wasn't.

For starters, the writer took all he knew about Sam Fisher and proceeded to toss it out the window, this book has alot, and I mean ALOT of inner monologue from Sam, because obviously most of the time he's hiding in a ventilation shaft and can't really engage in verbal conversation with anyone. Anyone who has played a Splinter Cell game has a fair idea of who Sam is, he's a no nonsense guy with just a hint of a dry sense of humour, he's methodical and brutal when he needs to be, everything you'd expect from a government saboteur/spy/assassin.

But the author of Splinter Cell turned Sam into something else entirely, cracking stupid jokes constantly and using words like "dude" and "hip" in the non bodypart sense. His humour is less dry and more pathetic, and he spends a good chapter or two thinking about boning his female Krav Maga instructor. All this while he's supposed to be on a mission. It's like the author took Sam, made him 20 years younger, threw out his elite military training and gave him A.D.D.

The plot revolves around predictible double crosses and a superweapon made in the middle of a shopping mall, there is also a kidnapping plot involving Sam's daughter where the author tries to get gritty with implied rape and torture but it just comes off as childish, something a 15yr old would write and then giggle at the word "breasts".

Splinter Cell, by somebody I don't care to remember, is an excellent example of taking a good solid character, and taking a big turd on his face. I recommend this book to teenage XBox enthusiasts who need to pretend to read at high school, just jump to chapter 18 where Sam's daughter talks about sex with some Islamic boy, feel free to draw willies on the pages.