Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Bus Characters

I hate public transport.

you know if I were a 15yr old girl and that first sentence was my entire blog, I'd have in upwards of 50+ replies and even a few images of boys with their shirts off. And I guarantee every god damn second post would be "omg so true and ranomd LOLZ".

But that isn't the case so I'll elaborate on my statement.

I've started driving to work recently, not due to lazyiness but because I actually save 14 dollars a week driving 4 km's into town then catching the free bus for the remaining 3 km, free parking and free inner city buses is an excellent way to reduce congestion in the city, too bad no-one else knows about it.

those 10-25 minutes (traffic dictated) on the bus are the worst minutes of my week for the following reasons

- Dickhead school kids
When you were one you thought the world was "bogus" and didn't understand you because you're "too real", now you're out of high school and have a few years of real world experience on your back you realise that high school kids are absolute dickheads with no exceptions whatsoever. These tarty girls and boys with outstandingly bad haridos spew bile from their mouths about TV shows they enjoy and how much "Cindy is a whore". The worst part about these gits is the fact that their bus stop is the one right after my bus stop yet they don't bother to move or get out of a seat for you, if it were just me getting on the bus then that's fine, but there are UPWARDS OF 20 PEOPLE getting on the bus at my stop at any given time, and everyone sits next to a schoolie because they're just too cool to share seats and exactly 15 seconds later EVERYONE ON THE FUCKING BUS has to get up and let Johnny Jackass and his skateboard off the bus, the whole situation is just asinine.

- Druggos
Mick and Michelle McHerionsnorter hop on my bus every day and they reek of utter shit and gutter buildup, no matter how hot or cold or wet it is they'll always be wearing the same tracksuit and faded baseball caps with their long knotted hair hanging off the seat onto your lap housing every bug imaginable. These people queue up around the corner at the local chemist waiting for it to open to get their methodone perscription, then they go next door to the bottle shop and pick up a large cheap bottle in a paper bag, all while they push the prams of their 5 kids because they're alway too shitfaced to use proper protection when they make horrible stinky love in a back alley behind Retravision.

- Mr Important
You all know him, he's not quite the druggo but he does his fair share of it, he's the loud obnoxious 20 something high school dropout wearing Fubu shirts and constantly talking on his phone with "Macca" about what a "farkin sick night" they had that week, and if he's not talking to his life partner he's blaring utter shit out of his radio or his phone in the form of a ringtone making sure everyone knows what sort of backwash hip hop he listens to because he's so fucking gangsta he'll pop a cap in your ass if you look at him sideways. He's the guy who'll hop on the bus when the driver is preoccupied because "he don't need no mutherlovin ticket to ride". Optional accessories include a skateboard, a sidweay cap, and a 4 foot 2 girlfriend showing off everything you don't want to see, age of girlfriend is almost always less than 16.

- Bike Riders
You know who you are, you bring your bike onto the bus and shoot death stares at people who groan while you try to cram it in that one luggage spot designed for closed prams, why don't you just RIDE YOUR FUCKING BIKE? Chances are you'll get to your destination faster than the god damned bus. Also, I don't think you need to wear your helmet on the bus, sure you don't have to hold it now, but you look like a dipshit.

- Mrs "I need a seat but I won't ask for one"
She's been on her feet all day, she has to go home to whiny kids and a husband that doesn't care, all she wants is a seat on the bus, but surprise surprise it's full. Even after a hard day at work if I get on the bus and there's no seats, I stand and I deal with it. Not her, she'll look sad and constantly be turning her head around looking for a magical seat to appear, then once she's done that she'll start looking at select people with a face of disgust. Sorry sweetheart I aint getting up for no-one but old people, crippled people, pregnant people and fat people (being reasonably big I understand the difficulty with fat people standing on a bus), but I am not getting up for you.

- "Cram you up against the window" man
This man doesn't need to be big, he just needs to be an arrogant prick, he'll walk straight up to your seat and slam his arse down with the power of the gods, then he'll slide across forcing you to move until your wedged against the window and his arse is comfortably on the seat. He doesn't ask to sit there and he doesn't even make eye contact with you the whole trip. When it's time for you to get off at your stop he'll do his best to not move and let you through, most people get up and let you have free passage out, but this guy moves his legs to one side slightly and groans when you're struggling to get past that. Luckily I'm impervious to the crammer, as I'm tall as buggery and I'm a big fella, I cannot physically sit at a bus with my legs together, they must be out at an obtuse angle like a hooker at a stag party, one knee jammed in the corner between the seat in front and the wall of the bus, and the other jutting out where another person may wish to sit. The crammer assumes that my legs will shrink or i'll do a half-stand to let him in, but I don't, he tries to sit there but finds himself out at an angle, one arse cheek off the seat and the other slowly sliding, he'll then try to cram me but find out that i'm quite unmovable. Then while he sits there uncomfortable and annoyed I slowly turn my head, look him straight in the eye and say "g'day mate how's it going?". To which he has no other option other to say ".... fine thanks".

Riding on the bus really is a pain in the arse, but it sure makes for some amusing stories.