Thursday, February 23, 2012




I had just debarked from the train at Gosford, ready to waste another 20 minutes between trains. Girls with tattoos and nose rings scattered around the station which made for a slight improvement to the otherwise standard “drunk man with pants falling down” scenarios. Unfortunately this was their stop, so they walked out of my life forever.

The next person to walk into my life wasn't a cute tattooed girl, but a shirtless man in his late teens, wearing his cap at a backwards angle, with a cigarette hanging from his mouth.

He called over to me as I was walking past, and that's where our conversation began.

“Oi bro nice sunnies”

“Oh, thanks.”

“They make you look like the fucking Terminator, but there's only one problem.”

“Yeah? What's that?”

“I can see your eyes through 'em. That means if you're smashed, and the coppers come by, you can't hide.”

“Haha yeah I reckon” At this point I engage BOGAN MODE, and start shortening words and adding emphasis to all my vowels.

“I like the sunnies where they can't see your eyes, like when they come around at the station, you just pop 'em on and you're fine”

“Yeah they're good sunnies..”

“But hey yeah, when you're at night though.. you can't put them on ay? Because... how sus does that look?”

“Yeah nah, pretty sus ay”

After that we talk about our destinations, his being a shorter platform station. So I tell him he should be in a rear carriage, which he agrees on. The guy is really friendly, if not a little forward. Then our chat turns into the bizarre.

“My mate hey, he got caught on the front carriage, and the door was locked to get to the other carriage.”

“Ah shit, he miss his stop?”

“Fuck no, he fucking kicked the door down.”

“Kicked it?”

“Yeah mate, kicked it, POP” Every time he says pop from here on, he making a physical kicking gesture

“Wow, strong guy.”

“Not only that ay, he kicked ANOTHER door, POP, and then another, POP. And then he was gonna kick the last door, but a fucking guard came.”

“Ah shit, he get fined?”

“Nah man, he runs up and he's all Asian and shit, and says “OH NO PREASE STROP KICKIN DOORAH” and opens the door with his key, POP”

“I suppose if I saw a guy who kicked down three doors I wouldn't stop him either.”

“Fucking ay, I reckon I could kick down any door in the world.”


“Yeah, I was in custody before, and this cunt's going “I raped your sister I raped your sister”, so I kicked down the concrete door, POP, and then the coppers come, POP, then I kick his door down, POP. And he's fucking there, but I'm like “nah won't kill yah”, so I elbowed him in the face”

“That shut him up?”

“Yeah, because I cut out his tongue, and fed him his tongue.”

“That'll really shut him up”

“Fucking yeah, he's got a metal tongue now, but he talks all fucked up.”

at this point I make a weird noise as an example of a person with a missing tongue, much to his delight

“HAHA that's heaps what he sounds like ay, llike a fucking retard. Oi nah but I shouldn't say retard, cause it's offensive to proper retards. Hey have you seen Click?”

“The Adam Sandler movie?”

“Yeah, what if I had that remote, wouldn't need to kick down a train door, just CLICK and POP, the doors open. Hey you know that part..”

“With the tits?”


He goes on to talk about scenes from the movie, mostly the bits about boobs and farting

Eventually the train arrives and he runs off to the rear carriages, and another Gosford train chapter is written into history.