Friday, January 15, 2010

Vampire turds that glisten in the sun

Social Networking, it's a buzzword thrown around by a lot of websites in the last few years, the phrase means "connecting and communicating with others over the internets" and websites like MySpace and Facebook are the hubs people use to connect socially with others. although in reality the majority of people on the internet will limit their social networking to adding that cute girl/boy from high school as a friend then downloading all of their personal photos to use as a masturbatory aide.

MySpace and Facebook are the big generic two, but there are also plenty of websites that cater to a more specific audience, there are social networking sites for gamers, bloggers, homosexuals, christians, christian homosexuals, hairy men, lonely men who want asian girlfriends, and of course there is VampireFreaks.

VampireFreaks, according to Wikipedia, is an online community for the gothic/industrial subculture. But realistically VampireFreaks is the home of people who rebelled

against their parents in high school and forgot to grow the fuck up in later life. The males all list their hero as "The Crow", and the females would probably get their vagina on webcam if you sent them a single compliment about their hair. It's a hovel of stench, a tribute to failure. Every single member probably thinks they're a unique delicate flower but listen to all the same heavy metal industrial shit as the next member.

So in true FiveThumbsDown fashion, it's caption time!

Here's your base level generic VampireFreaks member. Pasty and pudgy with long hair, throwing the horns because they can't grasp the intricities of common decency. This person's account lists their gender as "N/A", and I'd have to agree with it.

DO: Take a photo for your VampireFreaks profile
DONT: Take a photo of your sex face for your VampireFreaks profile

Goth gangsta will fuck you up boooooiiiiiiiiiiiii

People who are not original

Ninja Turtles
I see a conflict of interest here....

Check out this one... it's..... pretty nice actually. Let's check out her profile.

"21 yr old married mother of two"

Ah, nevermind, tainted meat.

This is the type of photo they show on the news with soundbytes from neighbours saying "I had no idea, he mostly kept to himself"

I don't know if this is supposed to be a photo of a girl, or evidence of bigfoot.

"I cast a level 6 wizard charm on your labia, it wasn't very effective...."

"Tee Hee, I'm such a vampire FREAAAAK!!!! Edward <3<3<3<3<3>

Another swamp monster sighting, why do people think boosting the contrast is going to make a good photo?

Middle American High School Female VampireFreak #4586779581235, Her parents don't understand her, her boyfriend doesn't love her, and she cuts herself while listening to The Cure. She'll drop out before the end of high school, pregnant to "Steve", her 29yr old ex boyfriend who is a major player over at 7-11.

Profile quote: "I like goth"
*crickets chirping*

"Hey ladiesssss, I'm a rippling mess of sinew and bad hair, I love the Crow so fucking much because he and I are the same, I'm a dark avenger in the night flexing my buttocks in the face of sailors."

Using strategic lighting and photoshop airbrushing his body says "roids" and his face says "pnuenomia".

"Me am Samet, are like lady vampire"

Sweet jesus, looks like she fell face first into Nickelodeon.

The Musical VampireFreak
They'll list four hundred bands as "close influences" and every single name will adhere to one of these rules:
- Have one or more of the words "hate/death/blood/kill/hell/cuddles"
- Be an obscure reference to a B Grade horror movies or a song by another band
- Have a name so abstract and wanky nobody bothers to understand the meaning

The musical VampireFreak will be one of the most saught after in the social networking circles, because as soon as you mention you can do anything music related, people will throw their genitals at you.

This member in particular has it all, the "geek chic" glasses, the indoor hoodie, and the backpack of mystery. This member is also particulary efficient as to get the maximum musical effect by posing with a bass guitar, unfortunately judging by the price tags in the background showing us that they're posing with a store owned guitar, this person probably has little to no musical talent. That'd be like myself posing in front of a movie theatre and listing my profession as "Matt Damon".

Nice look dude, you should have used some ofthat white paint on your teeth.



Anonymous said...

I laughed so hard I broke wind. Pure Gold.

Tasha said...

I just vomited all over myself reading this post. Maybe I should join and start a new subculture. VomVamps.

javawaitress said...

That was great!

Dovic said...

That may very well be the funniest laugh out loud blog post I've read in....oh, ok forever :).

Ncc Tardis said...

Nicely done sir, nicely done.

Doctragon said...

I literally just found this.
Fucking brilliant.