Blizzard: "How not to be Bethesda"

Fallout 3 was my most anticipated game for nearly a year now, the teaser trailer ending with Ron Perlman's voice sent shivers up my spine, about half a year later we got a few more screenshots which were alright I guess. But apart from all that not much has been said about what has the potential to be the greatest game of the year.

Heads will roll if this ends up sucking

I think it's safe to say that Bethesda are absolutely horrid at marketing, such was evident with Oblivion, it was like your black sheep brother arriving late to a prearranged family gathering to announce his girlfriend is pregnant again. Sure it's a surprise but we knew it was coming eventually.

Last week Blizzard announced Diablo3, and the way they did it took complete hold of my attention and slapped me in the face with the hand of awesome, and this isn't the first time either, Blizzard did the exact same thing with Starcraft 2 last year. They are marketing kings, and I feel big companies like Bethesda can take a note from their work.

"Heads, once severed, will roll" - Diablo3 Feature Page

Here's a comparison between the two companies..

Months Before...

Blizzard: Months before releasing it, they bought out the D3 website domain and had job positions available for an "undisclosed game"

Bethesda: Had a rather public legal mishap buying the rights to Fallout

So far, Bethesda pretty much gave away that they were making Fallout 3, Blizzard kept us guessing, the hype machine started

Opening Days

Blizzard: Slowly Changing Splash page, started with Ice so people would think it's for Wrath of the Lich King

Bethesda: "Please Stand By", plus some concept art

now Bethesda earn points for the excellent splash image, "Please Stand By" summed it up for every Fallout fan that their dream was being answered, Blizzard also got points for being sneaky, once again, they are hype kings.

Site Launch (The Big one)

Blizzard: Flash Intro screen, Trailer, Gameplay vid introducing 2 character classes and includes commentary, screenshots, concept art, game feature description

Bethesda: Teaser Trailer, Ron Perlman

This is where there Bethesda ship sank, they had all the time in the world to prepare a huge chunk of content for the fans but they blew it, they brought out a really good trailer but went quiet for a very long time after that. It seems that Blizzard achieved more in one day than Bethesda did over the course of a year.

And it doesn't look any better for Fallout 3, the website is updated with useless crap we already know very rarely, and the downloadable content and media doesn't keep me on the site for more than a few minutes, and every time there is a video spot on Fallout3 they interview the arseclown that is Todd Howard, who either a) says the same lines he did in previous interviews, or b) Stumbles through the questions, acting self important but coming off as a weasel.

Todd admiring Morgan Webb's "bump mapping", also, note her Batman chin

Todd Howard reminds me of the type of kid you'd lend a video to in High School and then when you ask for it back he tells you he lent it to another friend of his and that friend lost it.

Bethesda also has to keep a leash on their employees before shit goes down, Ashley Cheng has had a go at Blizzard, dissapointed in their reluctance to move from isometric views. As a fan of Diablo I'm more than happy to play in the same isometric style, Diablo made that style work perfectly and just because it's 2008 and not 1997 anymore isn't any reason to change a good thing. Bethesda don't seem to understand that, and I'm not mocking their FPS approach to Fallout, I'm just saying that just because something is old, doesn't make it bad.

Blow up the forums and drag them away.

There will always be people who will never "get you", and you'll be forever explaining your actions and intentions to them where people who do "get you" will understand what you did, and why you did it in an instant.

It became apparent that alot of people I used to consider friends no longer understand me and were, for lack of a better word, offended by my actions. When no offense was intended at all, I had the utmost respect for a few of them, and that respect quickly faded on the battleground that is a webforum.

Web forums, although they offer as a communications hub for like minded individuals, almost always end up as scenes of intense drama and name calling.

One thing I've learnt about web forums is, you have to have a very generic sense of humour to be considered funny or entertaining on these forums, and I'm sure alot of people will agree with me, that any attempts at non-generic comedy will make at least one person angry due to misinterpretation. It also leads to every single one of the threads you make having an average of 2 posts in them, and that in turn leads to frustration.

Unless it's a thread about Grand Theft Auto 4, or a Youtube thread, chances are it won't be touched or it'll stem into a completely different topic entirely. Your uncommon opinions will fall on deaf ears in favour of posts full of emoticons and no real content at all.

That's why I've ceased any contribution I made to a webforum I have been a member on for at least 5 years. I hit a breaking point over the last few weeks, my jokes were seen as direct abuse towards other members, and although they weren't "offended", they were moved enough to take up a defensive stance with multiple paragraph responses.

I won't go into details, there really is no point. And I'm sure I'll forever serve as the assclown who had a cry and left, but I can live with that. Because to stay there I'd be letting myself down.

The people who do understand me will understand this entry completely and will be able to relate, those of you who don't understand me have probably just opened this page to see if I've said anything about them. I was going to, but it'll just be more fodder.

Let's just say a few of them dissapointed me, and I regarded them so highly beforehand. I wish them all well in their endeavours and the few that do still want to talk to me know how to find me.

Splinters in my heart

After an undisclosed period of time, I stepped foot inside a public library again not long ago and fell in love with the joy that is reading. The ink on the pages, the smell of the bindings... they're enough to bring a man to climax. But enough "books are fun" bollocks, lets move on to something where I'm not taking the piss.

I've read quite a few books since I joined the fantastic community that is the library, but one book begged for a review above all others.

Tom Clancy presents Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell, created by Tom Clancy.... TOM CLANCY

Written by someone who isn't Tom Clancy, Splinter Cell is the book about the video game character created by Tom Clancy in a video game series created by Tom Clancy that is owned by Tom Clancy.

TOM CLANCY TOM CLANCY TOM CLANCY TOM CLANCY TOM CLANCY TOM CLANCY

Tom is known for being great at writing Americans vs terroists/communists stories, the majority of them follow the same line (Terrorists Steal Nukes or kidnap someone of importance) but he writes them so well and with lots of action that we can forgive him. I don't understand the reasoning for this unknown man to write a Splinter Cell book, you'd think if the big Tom himself won't bother writing it then you're not going to wow anyone by picking up Clancy's trash.

I love the majority of the Splinter Cell games, the latest one however did leave a bad taste in my mouth by having a boss battle right at the end, but all in all they beat the pants off Metal Gear Solid's brooding anime protagonist. And when I saw the Splinter Cell novel I thought at least it would be as entertaining as the games.

It wasn't.

For starters, the writer took all he knew about Sam Fisher and proceeded to toss it out the window, this book has alot, and I mean ALOT of inner monologue from Sam, because obviously most of the time he's hiding in a ventilation shaft and can't really engage in verbal conversation with anyone. Anyone who has played a Splinter Cell game has a fair idea of who Sam is, he's a no nonsense guy with just a hint of a dry sense of humour, he's methodical and brutal when he needs to be, everything you'd expect from a government saboteur/spy/assassin.


But the author of Splinter Cell turned Sam into something else entirely, cracking stupid jokes constantly and using words like "dude" and "hip" in the non bodypart sense. His humour is less dry and more pathetic, and he spends a good chapter or two thinking about boning his female Krav Maga instructor. All this while he's supposed to be on a mission. It's like the author took Sam, made him 20 years younger, threw out his elite military training and gave him A.D.D.

The plot revolves around predictible double crosses and a superweapon made in the middle of a shopping mall, there is also a kidnapping plot involving Sam's daughter where the author tries to get gritty with implied rape and torture but it just comes off as childish, something a 15yr old would write and then giggle at the word "breasts".

Splinter Cell, by somebody I don't care to remember, is an excellent example of taking a good solid character, and taking a big turd on his face. I recommend this book to teenage XBox enthusiasts who need to pretend to read at high school, just jump to chapter 18 where Sam's daughter talks about sex with some Islamic boy, feel free to draw willies on the pages.

T Shirt Heck

T-shirts have always been a way to express your love of a band, movie, or wrestling superstar. But the amount of crap I see on tshirts nowdays makes me ill, the internet is a haven of horribly bad tshirt designs that will forever marinate in the essence of an unwashed man at the back of a wardrobe until they're given to goodwill, I guarantee you'll see homeless people with Transformers shirts as pillows in the near future.

Two sites which annoy the hell out of me are Busted Tees and Snorg Tees, their ads plague the websites I frequent with their flagship models, Busted's Erica, and Snorg's Alice. These two girls appeal to the main demographics for their shirt sales, Stoners and Fratboys. And no I'm not linking to those sites. Google them if you're so inclined to have your head inserted into your anus.

Erica Sullivan is an attractive woman who looks like she hasn't had anything to eat or anywhere to sleep in the last 4 days, her eyes pierce into the distance, like she's trying to focus on a hotdog stand because she has the munchies but can't garner the strength to do so, and the majority of her photos are up against alley walls and fences, key gathering spots for stoned men looking for doritos. They also seem to enjoy photographing nipples, and the more pointy the better, because I know nothing sells me more than sex! Who cares if the shirt is about Halo, the woman is hot! I better buy it! Needless to say my nipples look horrid in those shirts compared to hers... like cocktail frankfurts that have been in the sun for a day.



Alice Fraasa on the other hand, is the model aimed at the fratboys, with her all American looks and mouth the size of texas full of shiny white teeth not unlike Julia Roberts.


She has a playful attitude and a chest size to match. Being only 19 is also a plus for the fratboys, as she is only a few years older than the women they're used to dating. And when I say "dating" I mean.. well you get the picture, lets just say it involves "drug induced relaxation" pills. However, in all fairness, the fine young ladies they exploit for sell shirts are way better than the male models they use....



Now apart from the models for these websites being cheap eyecandy for the lads, their shirts are just atrocious. If you've heard something funny in a TV show or a movie and it was funny enough to repeat it once or twice to a friend, then it's on one of their shirts. They also have a backlog of anything Will Ferrell has said in any of his movies ever, I bet you could buy $1000 worth of shirts of these people, throw them in a big tub, swish them around and then write down what each shirts says in order of you pulling them out, you'd have a sure fire comedy hit starring Will Ferrell as an obnoxious twat.

If you're going to buy a shirt online, at least buy a funny one, Tshirthell is a great site that is probably not safe for work in the slightest due to their "photograph yourself in our shirts" section, but their shirts are crude, rude, and above all.. ORIGINAL. Instead of crap you heard on Anchorman these shirts are actually good.

Angryman rundown, 8/4/2007

Various angryman rants today, I'm quite happy with my life situation, my marriage my job and my everything else are all on point. So when I'm nice and comfortable I look upon others for the angryman fuel. Whilst I have no large article to go off on tangents about I've decided that when I feel the urge to rant I can just simply read the headlines for all the ammunition I need.

Kate Moss was awarded some dubious "best dressed" award sometime in the last week, It's good to see people like that get noted for their fashion as opposed to their drug and boyfriend problems, because as a celebrity in the spotlight and a role model for girls everywhere we have to understand the pressure she is under and let her shoot up a sneaky fix every once in a while. I'm sure the dress she wore to win that empty title was little more than a tissue covered in glitter.

At the end of that article I found a link to a car death story which I dared look into because I enjoy such stories of death and destruction (my multitude of law and order box set DVD's are proof I enjoy crime and accidents)

In Victoria a teenage boy has been killed in a road accident, taken from ninemsn:

"The boy, 16, of Kealba, lost control of the car and struck a power pole on Main Road East in nearby St Albans shortly after 3pm (AEST) on Monday, police said.

He died at the scene. Police believe he was driving alone at the time of the crash."

A 16 yr old learner driver, probably speeding, loses control of his car and dies. Call me a heartless bastard, but they have road rules for a reason you know, I'm not saying he deserved it, but there's a reason for the year long LEARNER period. Unless he was rushing to the hospital with a spear in his chest or a pregnant woman (speared or unspeared) in his back seat, there is no reason that boy couldn't have just caught the bus. No doubt this will lead to people angry at the government for "unsafe roads" as opposed to focusing on the fact that a boy so young broke the law and paid the ultimate price.

Another example of children breaking the rules and paying gravely is the story I heard on the radio this morning, apparently 5 teenagers aged 14-16 went to school with baseball bats, machetes and a sword to "settle a vendetta" with another teenager. 18 students and 1 teacher suffered minor injuries and the lads are now locked up without bail until their hearing.

Way to plan an attack, go to the single most populated area on a weekday to attack 1 person and end up only giving minor injuries 19 in total. You had swords!!! Why isn't there a bodycount?! Obviously their heart wasn't in it and now they face 101 charges of assault and various other offenses.

Honestly, if you're going to attack someone with a sword, do it in a private location where there isn't a couple hundred witnesses... I don't know why kids choose to launch an attack on a school, don't they hear the news? Every kid who makes a large scale assault on a school winds up dead or in jail. But don't worry about that Billy, you're different, you're going to make them all pay for calling you a smellypants. Because the opinions of people you'll hardly ever see after graduation matter the most in the entire world and if Suzie won't go out with you then she has to pay for it.

Do yourself a favour kids, if some kid calls you a farty face then chances are they're not worth having as a friend, and if Tiffany rejects you move on. You're not limited to your high school classmates, there's a massive world out there full of women and men you haven't met yet. But if you're a moron, go ahead and bring a machete to school, you belong in jail.

I kind of went off on a "bitter old man dishing out advice to young'ns" tangent just then, so I'll stop that and leave you with one little piece of angryranting.

I came across this ad whilst I was reading about the stupid little boys and their swords. Advertising the dating world with some sort of tanned gorgeous woman with a friendly smile and little clothing.

I've spent a chunk of time on those dating websites back in my single days of eating cheetos and playing Neverwinter Nights. And I'm afraid to tell you, that such women do not exist on the web. When you spot an attractive profile there can only be few reasons to why it's there:

- That's not her photo
- It's a man
- She's part of that ridiculous "net intercourse" scene where attractive people meet up online to organise romps, stealing the thunder from geeky boys worldwide. Because nothing is more exciting to tell to your high-fiving chums than about that "hot chick I met on the interweb". Send a wink to her if you like, she won't reply.

If you want an accurate image of 95% of dating website female users, here's your dream woman Bruce.

Roll for initiative.