Wolverine, Shitty Covers of

As it turns out my Superman article got a fair amount of attention from the twitterverse, and by a "fair amount" I mean more than the 2 people who usually read my blog.

So I've decided to step it up a notch and bring out another entry quick smart before everyone gets bored with my antics.

COMIC CHARACTERS WHO SUCK (for reasons out of their control)

#2 Wolverine

PART ONE: Dodgy Covers

Although I haven't finished my actual article yet, I have more than enough dodgy covers from the first 100 Wolverine issues to make a separate entry, so enjoy the covers and my inane banter!

The Fantasy Island crossover didn't last very long, I blame Marvel's casting choice of The Hulk as Hervé Villechaize.



Silly Logan, that's not how you drive a car! Here we see Wolverine sporting a trendy "no shirt brown pants" look, usually preferred by crack junkies. Shoe(s) optional.

DEATH is a man called tiger shark!
Artist: "This cover is due today and I haven't finished!! Fuck it, I'll just draw hundreds of bubbles, oh I'm so crafty"

a taste of DEATH
The look on Wolverine's face is confusing, it appears that he was in a middle of a disco dance-off when the opposing dancers had more than enough of his groove shaking.

Lady DEATHstrike.. and the amazing puck?

puck??? What the crap sort of name is that??

Did Rob Liefeld draw this cover? I bet he did, tiny feet and massive hands on lady deathstrike tell me the baseball cap wearing manchild is to blame.

In an inferno of DEATH!!!

How freaked out does the child look? Is Wolverine saving her or about to rape her? Way to calm down the nerves of a panicky child there douchebag. Look at him!! He's nearly green and frothing at the mouth, he's going to send the child into a heart attack.

Note Storm in the background, the woman can control the weather, she can send rain down to put out the fire. Instead she just floats there, grimacing.

A promise.... of DEATH!!!!

Wolverine, also known as "Satan" in this issue, rises from the depths of hell to crash a disco party right in the middle of The Hustle.

Is the man in the top right humping his claws?

DEATH in Venice!

Wolverine has had quite enough of his shit and chokes himself. Apparently the Wolverine being choked just drank a glass of milk, and the other Wolverine desperately needs some new clothes.

As cold............................... as DEATH!!!!!

Okay, so what's the deal? Can Logan shoot out one set of claws at a time? I thought they were rage-related and he really had no control over them, instead they went in when he calmed down... so how does that explain one claw at a time? Is he bipolar?

I checked Wikipedia for an explanation, of course there wasn't one, instead in his list of "special powers" under Adamantium claws is 'Expert Martial Artist'

Expert Martial Artist? Seriously? Is there a single superhero around who DOESN'T know how to fight? Once you get your powers suddenly you're a kung fu champion. I want to see a Superhero with super strength but can't throw a punch for shit, and breaks his thumb because he doesn't know how to form a proper fist.

Also Wolverine seems oblivious his left leg is about to be chomped by a .. what the fuck is that anyway? And what's he doing underwater fighting it? Surely there are superheros better equipped to tackle underwater beasts.

"Fuck it, I'm wolverine, I don't need to breathe grrr I'm so menacing"

I hope all my reunions with old friends go just as well as this.

Another cover with Wolverine only using one set of claws, and in this case only 2 of the 3 claws are out. Personally I think the claws stay in when it's easier to draw for the cover artist. He's got his work set out for him, just check out that awesome background. White sky and yellow ground.

Is that woman holding a gun or a briefcase?


Why does Logan need a set of claws out now? Does he plan on giving Jean Grey a haircut?

I love his facepalm, it's like the Xmen told him he's out of the club because his outfit has too much blue and yellow in it.

Professor X: "dude you look gay"

Wolverine: "I am shamed, please note my penis bulge for some reason"

I'm not kidding, he's got half a chub.

Valley O' DEATH!!!!!

Is he in England? "let us have a cup o tea then potter off to the valley o death"

"what what tally ho pip pip!"

The inker must have given himself a black ink enema and farted on the cover, that's the only explanation I have for the splatter effect.

Wolverine: "I am big with tiny feet"

woman: "I too am also big and will jump this way"

Wolverine: "I think I see a young child to my left, I best look menacing and do a knee bending jig"

woman: "I am angry, you can tell, as my mouth is open"

wolverine: "I look angry on 98% of my covers, the fact of the matter is I actually suffer from lockjaw, I got tetanus from my own skeleton"

Juggernaut couldn't be bigger if he tried, his tailoring bill must be a fortune, he'd have to buy a metric tonne of metal for his helmet and armbands. Wolverine looks like he's about to scratch his butt but can't as he has deployed his claws. He won't make that mistake again!

"SWEET JESUS MY ANUS IS ON FIRE"

Logan is a hit with the young kiddies... I'm a grown man and I feel scared he's going to rape me in his van.

What is it with Wolverine and children? He can take on the strongest villains in the world, but he chooses to intimidate a bunch of kids, whilst smoking a cigarette.

The only thing uncanny about this cover is Logan's belt buckle, nearly as big as his face.

DEATH 'neath New Orleans!!!!

Will his claws even hurt Ghost Rider? His head is entirely bone, no nerves or anything, he wouldn't feel any pain and the claws would be jammed in a nostril.

The last cover of them all, a Rob Liefeld classic!! Shatterstar is the most horribly dated character ever, with his shit "ponytail AND rat tail" combination haircut, pixie shoes and helmet.

And his swords are fucking retarded, the right hand one is a typical sword a 12yr old will draw, and the left hand one looks like a Lego pirate sword.

Deadpools swords are also shit, basic hilted swords.

The sad thing is you could sketch a toilet under the squatting Shatterstar and it wouldn't make this image worse.

Alrighty, that's it for me!! Stay tuned for my full Wolverine article coming soon!

Stupormens

I started this blog nearly 2 weeks ago, but it kept spiraling. The more research I did the more Superhero characters I found to be butchered by one or more people. My list went from 5, to 7, to 15.. and now I'm going to do one at a time for as long as want. Because let's face it, there is always something really bad about our beloved Super heroes, be it Batman's endless supply of arse-backwards gadgets (shark repellent anyone?) or even Spiderman's "emo stage" in the latest movie.

This series of articles is not about Superheroes and Villains that suck, instead this focuses on the issues of perfectly good characters made shithouse through means not under their control, and who better to start with than the Man of Steel himself?

COMIC CHARACTERS WHO SUCK (for reasons out of their control)

#1 Superman


I'd be an ignorant tool to give you an introduction to Supes, as everyone in the world knows who he is, last son of Krypton, defender of blah blah blah

When you look at him from a casual standpoint, you know Superman is good, he's easily one of the most recognised characters in existence, he saves kittens from trees and puts bank robbers behind bars. Everyone loves him.

But when you get actually into the character, if you're like me in any way at all, you'll notice that Superman is as entertaining as watching grass grow.

Problem #1: Over Experienced

The main problem with Superman is that he is just TOO super. He can fly, he's super strong, he's nearly invincible, he has this array of gimmicky powers PLUS he can perv on women through walls. If he were invisible he'd have it all, and he wouldn't be Superman either, he'd be Rape Ghost.

Watching the old cartoon VHS tape I have of Supermans adventures, nearly every episode he's tackling bank robbers, train robbers, and store robbers. The guy can punch a persons face off and he's wasting his time rounding up bungling crooks with dollar sign bags. Does he have confidence issues? He could sell his services to the government to take out enemy regimes but he seems happy working a white collar job and stopping the odd bullet with his face.

The writers back in the day created the greatest and strongest superhero known to man, and gave him the personality of a kitten. Sure every now and then he'd lift a car or stop an escaped gorilla, but most of the time he'd just dick around and annoy his friends. Eventually the writers got out of their "1940's gaytime happy comix" stage and gave him some worthy foes. But another problem arose.

Problem #2: Generic Bad Guys

The only Superman bad guy in the entire universe I actually like is Lex Luthor, because he knows how Superman works, he's aware of his own limitations and uses his brains, instead of bulky muscle to tackle Supes, and his character in "Red Son" is just the fucking man, go out and read that book.

Every other villain can be grouped into Superman bad guy stereotypes, and you can even group how Superman defeats them too.

- Bulky Dumbarse: Superman outsmarts them
- Weak Smartarse: Superman outmuscles them
- Bulky Smartarse: Their plan backfires after they think they've defeated Superman
- Weak Dumbarse: Refer to my previous entry about bank robbers with dollar sign bags.

Sure a good writer comes along and throws a twist in, but those occurrences are few and far between, plus I haven't read every single Superman comic in existence, my knowledge of Superman isn't what I'd call "encyclopedic", so if I'm making gross assumptions by all means go shove it.

Problem #3: He was made in 1932

This isn't a problem in itself really, but because he was one of the first Superheroes made he's had to endure everything that went wrong in comics too. If there is one thing I'd applaud Superman for, it's the ability to live through the following:

Girlfriend doesn't want to marry you? Kill her. That bitch aint gonna embarrass you

Yeah, fuck you Tojo!

... auto-car....

Believe it or not, this is one of MANY gorilla/Jimmy olsen themed comics.

Nice hat, douche.

There have been periods of time in the history of comics where writers and artists were drunk at the helm. Superman had to put up a cast of no-name supporting characters, like those twins in the Super Friends, and there's even a Super Dog with a cape, who IS STILL AROUND.

He's had to team up with celebrities like Pat Boone, and tackle bad guys like Mussolini. Everything crappy that could happen to any character in the comic universe has happened to Superman.

Superman is the guinea pig for all shitty comic ideas.

Problem #4: Non Print Media

I'll give Supes this, Christopher Reeve was great on the big screen as the man of steel, and the first and second movies with him I really enjoyed. But Superman III? I don't even want to talk about it, just have a look at the poster, it pretty much sums up the movie..



Superman is a great character, there is no denying it, I love the guy I really do. And his failure rate in comics is acceptable, Batman has gone through the same shit. But when it comes to movie, TV and video game adaptations, Superman really has the balled dropped there.

Everyone loves the Batman series, it was kooky and silly but still great AND it fit in with the comic style of the time, it's a classic series of a "gayer" era. But Clark.. he hasn't had the same success.

I'm going to ignore the original TV show as I never saw it, instead I'm going to focus on the 2 pieces of trash that are...

Lois and Clark


Smallville
* I found this image when I searched for Smallville, so I'm using it


Just typing those words here makes me want to retch. Lois and Clark took the annoying as batshit girlfriend of Kent and made her a main character, it was a shitty romance themed series that I'd watch if threatened with a glass enema. As for smallville? Fuck smallville.

Superman is an American icon, he stands for all that is good and wholesome and he's really a cool guy, but his enemies are not Doomsday, or Brainiac, they are the moronic people in charge of his image, who let him get into some of the most vomit inducing capers around.

Still not convinced? Here's the Superman 64 nintendo game, regarded as the worst video game ever made. you spend most of the game flying through rings.

Rotten Graffitoes

I don't understand graffiti sometimes.

Sure I like the classy stuff, graffiti that sends a message or a mural of sorts done for the community, it's the tagging mostly I don't understand. Is it a form of bragging rights? If you tag a high building does that make you ..."cool"?

I really don't know, why waste your time scrawling big stupid letters all over a wall when no-one can understand what the hell it's trying to say?

On and around the train I come across some of the dumbest graffiti ever conceived, some guys name with the standard "was 'ere" can be found in most carriages, and in the bathrooms of the newer trains some git has written "SLAYER ROOLS" above the loo. Some of it pisses me off because it looks like shit, but other times I just have to laugh.

I think the graffiti world needs some critics, to keep the Uwe Boll's and Michael Bay's of tagging in line, whilst praising originality and creativity.

I've prepared some critiques for your enjoyment, I won't be praising anything today though, because that isn't as fun.

The Hit and Miss

The artist starts strong proclaiming their love for music, but hits an early bump when drawing comparisons to what they don't like. I feel a better message could have been brought to our attention if the artist chose to focus on a more specific hatred, and not generalised with "stupid shit".

I'm afraid that vague remark wasn't the only mistake the artist made, his message decimated further upon the reader finding out his music taste is cornered on the little known Hillbilly Revolution. The 80s' style pink and blue chalk "YOU" behind it is the final nail in the coffin. You tend to find this style in bathrooms where the artist has enough time to think their design over, and even more time to stuff it up.


The Self Fellate

Abdi is a G.

My understanding with graffiti is that people use painting and marking techniques to send a message to anyone who may read it. I'm afraid this artist completely missed the mark.

The Hillbilly Revolution, as hilariously bad as it was, still sent the message of what the artist believed in. This does not.

Abdi is a what sir? a Goat? a Grandfather? a Great Lay? a Georgian Male? I'm going to assume that G means "gangsta" using the common street spelling, and I'm also going to take a wild stab in the dark here and say the artist is none over than Abdi himself, trying to inflate his ego with bad handwriting.


The Inept Threat

Here is how one can improve their graffiti

1) invest in a dictionary
2) Be consistent with your upper and lower case lettering
3) Eliminate the unneeded "If read this", firstly you're missing a 'you're', secondly, let's just assume that people looking at this sentence are already reading it.
4) You should really have some backbone to your statement, if we are indeed not(h)ing, at least give reason
5) Try not to use those little circles above your letter i, it promotes a liking for Disney.

The Penrith Newsagent

I'm guessing the black says "Josh", and while I do like the dollar sign on the O, I don't like the inverted commas, it gives the appearance that Josh is crying.

And would it hurt Josh to mark his name on EMPTY brick? there is a gap above the pipe, hell you could use the pipe for an underline, making the crying josh more prominent.

This is the problem with most taggers, their heart is in it temporarily. Josh had a great idea for his name, although I have no idea why anyone would bother to pay attention given the number of Josh's in the city, but he didn't even bother to clean his workspace, nor fill in the gaps with a hint of colour.

This style I like to call the "Penrith Newsagent" as I saw this many times when growing up. The graffiti artist would get the idea for tagging at the spur of the moment and rushes to the local paper shop to buy the biggest black marker he could find for the amount of change he has in his sock. Then the artist quickly tags the building and leaves the area via Bus.
The Good Intention

You got to the very top of a building, found a prime spot for maximum exposure, and then what did you do? You tagged a PINK building RED you twat! And that umbrella character would suit the expression "HURRR DURRRR". Also note the wasted space at the top, that's prime real estate you missed out on there.

Miss Clarendon's 1st Grade Class

My eyes are ablaze with horrid colour! This looks more like a group piece than a solo effort. I especially enjoy the Green "VISI" with red colouring at the bottom. Surprisingly enough for a piece that uses so many letters of the English language, there appears to be only one complete word in the mix.


The City Planner

Perfect Real Estate, it's a street level building that backs right onto the sidewalk, and there is one bland colour, easy to cover with your art. But in a rush to claim the space, the artist failed at deciding what to write! The message is lost completely and the big crosses over the failed work really shows how much of an amateur the artist is. Hang your head in shame.

Here's hoping a more "switched on" graffitier comes along and takes advantage of the space to draw something with meaning, like a big penis that says "you r gay".


The Home Plate Stumble

The message is perfectly suited for this style of graffiti, a simple text message on a stark white wall, an artist shouting at big brother, fighting back against the oppressors. And they even went the extra mile to throw in a bit of parody, lampooning the old windows 95 shutdown screen. But the message is destroyed through a lack of proper spelling and an unwanted exclamation mark.




OFHLAH!!!!!

Words cannot express what I'm feeling.... was the person having sex and described their 2 second orgasm in words?

Perky Boobs and Arthritis

I've never been a fan of news that isn't news.

There are always little amusing stories in the papers, usually something about a dog saving a cat or an old person smokes a ciggerette for the first time in Nepal. But, especially online, there are news stories that shouldnt' qualify as news at all, and are merely shit filler material that no-one cares about.

I'm talking about the gossipy Brad and Angelina garbage.. the Amy Winehouse trash, stories about game addiction without proper research, and everything like it. I opened ninemsn.com this morning and the main news article was about Kendra Wilkinson and how she is begging Hugh Hefner for forgiveness after spilling her guts about their intimate moments.

For starters, the entire world does not want to fucking hear about 23yr old's having sex with an 82 yr old man. I don't care who he is, sure he's the playboy man, the original "playa" but for fucks sake. He's EIGHTY TWO. You can only imagine the type of sex tape that would produce.

- Hugh pops pill
- Hugh lies down
- Kendra staddles him "carefully" so as not to break a hip
- Kendra suffers lifelong shame

You know the only thing Kendra is having sex with is his money, that's her only thought in her head I'm sure of it. His entire lifestyle makes me want to punch children...

The news article under it was about a newsreader who failed to read the news... that's just too stupid to even go into detail.

"200 dead in earthquake!? fuck it, let's run the story about the old dude fucking the young chick"

This is why Anna Nicole never faded from obscurity, and look what happened to her....

Blizz Corn

Blizzard held their annual convention last week, conveniently named "Blizzcon" to avoid confusion as last years infamous "Toastboypants" event only managed to attract fat pedophiles. The event is swarmed with geeky lads and lasses the world around, all with the common ground of Blizzard game interest, the main one being the online heroin that is World of Warcraft.

The folks here at Five Thumbs Down managed to make it to the Anaheim Convention Center in California with a dodgy camera and a bad attitude. It was hard to blend in with the crowd due to my level 70 Blood Elf paladin only having 5 epics... I was an outsider from the beginning, but the expensive stripper I hired to walk around with me and flash some breast helped the FTD crew gain an all access pass.

Let's enjoy the photos now shall we?


Due to a scheduling error, the cleaning staff arrived 8 hours early to the function room. The new uniforms designed by clothing staple "Greg" caused some arousement in the more sweaty boys present. Note the red calves on the man in the background.


Here we have a Dranei Mage, a really good effort at cosplay if you don't mind me saying, the horns and overall attractiveness of the girl in costume helped win her some points. I managed to get a photo as she approached Amy Winehouse for an autograph.


I'd be lying if I told you I knew what was going on in this photo, it looks like a glam rock 80's muppet fending off some form of garbage monster.

These two happy girls managed to woo the boys in the centre with their "approachable" looks and cheerful demeanour. They even managed to score some coupons for 600 rape dollars..

.. from this guy..


Another decent Dranei costumer, unfortunate that one of the main speakers from Toastboypants 2007 managed to find his way here this year... Jeff appears to be doing some construction in his pantaloons...


This costume came in second place of the event. I think she did rather well.


Captain Bumbles reporting! Set sails for faggotry!



That's how we roll in Asia.


Yet another Dranei, only this time she's joined by a sexy pirate, and confused A-Team fan.


A glimpse into the classy life of a Blizzard employee.

Greg: "I say what what, let's release Starcraft II 5 months late!"

Pevil: "Indubious! I think you've earned another balloon in your hat!"

Greg: "My urine stings upon exit..."


Clearly these two were paid to attend....


Clearly she was paid to leave....

I managed to score this rare photograph of a WoW player exerting the most physical energy in a single day. plus he looks like a douche..
World of Warcraft's single Romanian player.


And finally, Blizzard announced the new class for the upcoming expansion. "Slutty Attention Whore" will be available to the Elf races, and will gain more bonuses with less armour worn.